George Carlin Quotations

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor and author, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on language, psychology and religion along with many other taboo subjects.

Discography

Toledo Window Box (1974)

• The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone … Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.
  • "Nursery Rhymes"

• Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.
  • "Nursery Rhymes"

A Place for My Stuff (1981)

• I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me!
  • "Interview With Jesus"

• Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
  • "Interview With Jesus"

• Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? There's such balance in nature.
  • "Abortion"

• "Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass".
  • "Fussy Eater, Pt. 1"

• And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
  • "Fussy Eater, Pt. 1"

Carlin on Campus (1984)

• So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.
  • "Prayer"

• Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

• I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.

• And Edwin Meese alone has been investigated by three separate Special Prosecutors, and there's a fourth one waiting for him in Washington right now. Three separate Special Prosecutors have had to look into the activities of the Attorney General. And the Attorney General is the nation's leading law enforcement officer!

• They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.

• Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimmee my money back--or I'm shittin' in the well!

• People I can do without. This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip". Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. A proctologist with poor depth perception. A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. A dentist with blood in his hair. Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals. A funeral director who says "Hope to see you folks again real soon!" Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. A man with only one lip. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. People who actually know the second verse to "The Star-Spangled Banner". Any lawyer who refers to the police as the "Federales". A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. People who have large gums and small teeth. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. All right, that's enough of that.

• It's a great country, but it's a strange culture. ... This has got to be the only country in the world that could ever come up with a disease like bulimia; gotta be the only country in the world where some people have no food at all, and other people eat a nourishing meal and puke it up intentionally. This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean? This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs! And now, they're thinking about banning toy guns - and they're gonna keep the fucking real ones!

Doin' It Again / Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics (1990)

• Some people don't want you to mention certain things. Some people don't want you to say this, some people don't want you to say that. Some people think if you say some things they might happen. Some people are real fuckin' stupid. You ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into? Goddamn there's some stupid bastards out there. Carry a pad and pencil with you, you'll come up with twenty names by the end of the day. Think about this; think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that.

• Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? [audience yells "No"] Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.

• Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a...secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.

• Same with religion. Religion is nothing but mind control. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they're gonna tell you some things you shouldn't say because they're...sins. And besides telling you things you shouldn't say, religion is gonna suggest some things that you ought to be saying; "Here's something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning; here's something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night; here's something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in spring at 4 o'clock when the bells ring." Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying.

• Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It's as simple as that. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people, or they depopulate the area. The government doesn't lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Israeli murderers are call commandos. Arab commandos are call terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?

Jammin' in New York (1992)

• I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.
  • "Rockets And Penises In The Persian Gulf"

• I look at war a little bit differently. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! OK? Simple thing. That's all it is. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field, waving their pricks at one another. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. That's what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. That's what all that adolescent, macho male posturing, and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. It's called "dick fear!" Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! You don't have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy theory at work. It sounds like this: "What, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them!" And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. It's a subconscious need to project the penis into other people's affairs. It's called "fucking with people!"
  • "Rockets And Penises In The Persian Gulf"

• Well. Tell you what. Now, to balance the scale, I'd like to talk about some things that bring us together, things that point out our similarities instead of our differences. 'Cause that's all you ever hear about in this country! It's our differences! That's all the media and the politicians are ever talking about! The things that separate us. Things that make us different from one another. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They try to divide the rest of the people. They keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that they, the rich, can run off with all the fucking money! Fairly simple thing! Happens to work! You know? Anything different! That's what they're gonna talk about race, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality, anything can do, keep us fighting with each other, so that they can keep going to the bank!
  • "Little Things We Share"

• You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there... just to scare the shit out of the middle class. Keep 'em showing up at those jobs.
  • "Little Things We Share"

• That's another complaint of mine - too much use of this prefix "pre". It's all over the language now — "pre"-this, "pre"-that, place the turkey in a "pre-heated" oven. It's ridiculous! There are only two states an oven can possibly exist in: Heated or unheated! "Pre-heated" is a meaningless fucking term! It's like "pre-recorded" — "This program was pre-recorded." Well, of course it was pre-recorded! When else are you gonna record it, afterwards? That's the whole purpose of recording; to do it beforehand! Otherwise it doesn't really work, does it? "Pre-existing", "pre-planning", "pre-screening" — you know what I tell these people? Pre-suck my genital situation! And they seem to understand what I'm talking about.
  • "Airline Announcements"

• I've got an idea about homelessness. Do you know what they ought to do? Change the name of it. It's not "homelessness", it's "houselessness". It's houses these people need. A home is an abstract idea, a home is a setting, it's a state of mind. These people need houses; physical, tangible structures. They need low-cost housing. But where are you going to put it? Nobody wants you to build low-cost housing near their house. People don't want it near them. We've got something in this country, it's called NIMBY. N-I-M-B-Y; 'Not In My BackYard'! People don't want anything, any kind of social help located anywhere near them! You try to open up a halfway house, try to open up a drug or alcohol rehab center, try to do a homeless shelter somewhere, try to open up a little home for some retarded people who want to work their way back into the community. People say "Not in my backyard!" People don't want anything near them. Especially if it might help somebody else. Part of that great American spirit of generosity we hear about.
  • "Homelessness"

• Even if it's something they believe in, something they think society needs. Like prisons. Everybody wants more prisons, right? Everybody wants more prisons, people say, "BUILD MORE PRISONS! But not here!" But why not? What's wrong? What's the problem? What's wrong with having a prison in your neighborhood? It seems to me like it would make it a pretty crime-free area, don't you think? You think a lot of crackheads and pimps and hookers and thieves are going to be hanging around in front of a fucking prison?! Bullshit, they 'aint coming anywhere near it! What's wrong with these people? All the criminals are locked up behind the walls, and if a couple of them do break out what do you think they're going to do, hang around? Check real-estate trends? Bullshit, they're fucking gone! That's the whole idea of breaking out of prison: to get the fuck as far away as you possibly can.
  • "Prisons"

• I've got just the place for low-cost housing. I have solved this problem. I know where we can build housing for the homeless: golf courses! It's perfect! Just what we need. Plenty of good land, in nice neighbourhoods, land that is currently being wasted on a meaningless, mindless activity engaged in primarily by white, well-to-do male businessmen who use the game to get together to make deals to carve this country up a little finer among themselves. I am getting tired, really getting tired, of these golfing cocksuckers. In their green pants, and their yellow pants, and their orange pants, and their precious little hats and their cute little golf carts! It is time to reclaim the golf courses from the wealthy and turn them over to the homeless! Golfing is a arrogant, elitist game which takes up [entirely] too much room in this country. Too much room in this country! It is an arrogant game on its very design alone, just the design of the game speaks of arrogance. Think of how big a golf course is - the ball is that fucking big! What do these pin-headed pricks need with all that land?! There are over seventeen thousand golf courses in America, they average over one hundred and fifty acres a piece - that's three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles - you could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist - racist, there's another thing; the only blacks you'll find at country clubs are carrying trays. And a boring game, boring game for boring people. You ever watch golf on television? It's like watching flies fuck! And a mindless game, mindless. Think of the intellect it must take, to draw pleasure from this activity: hitting a ball - with a crooked stick - and then, walking after it! And then, hitting it again! I say pick it up asshole, you're lucky you found the fucking thing! Put it in your pocket and go home, you're a winner! You've found it! No chance of that happening. Dork-o in the plad knickers is going to hit it again and walk some more. Let these rich cocksuckers play miniature golf! Let them fuck with a windmill for an hour and a half or so! See if there's any real skill among these people. Now I know there are some people who play golf who don't consider themselves rich. FUCK 'EM! And shame on them for engaging in an arrogant, elitist passtime.
  • "Golf"

Back in Town (1996)

• Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't wanna fuck in the first place? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked. Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach 'military age'. Then they think you are just fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life... pro-life... These people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it? They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women. They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state. Pro-life... You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. And you won't see a lot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. You know, morally committed people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a god-damned demonstration, didn't they? They knew how to put on a fuckin' protest. Light yourself on fire! Come on, you moral crusaders, let's see a little smoke to match that fire in your belly.
  • "Abortion"

• If a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn't count them? If a fetus is a human being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come people say "We have two children and one on the way" instead of saying "We have three children?" People say life begins at conception. I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. Continuous, just keeps rolling along.
  • "Abortion"

• Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you?... When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen... 'cause chickens are decent people.
  • "Abortion"

• But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase 'sanctity of life'. You've heard that. Sanctity of life. You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit. Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death. Has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians all taking turns killing each other 'cause God told them it was a good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the land, vengeance is mine. Millions of dead motherfuckers. Millions of dead motherfuckers all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question. 'You believe in God?' 'No.' Boom. Dead. 'You believe in God?' 'Yes.' 'You believe in my God? 'No.' Boom. Dead. 'My God has a bigger dick than your God!'

• Thousands of years. Thousands of years, and all the best wars, too. The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me. Hey, any time a bunch of holy people want to kill each other I'm a happy guy.But don't be giving me all this shit about the sanctity of life. I mean, even if there were such a thing, I don't think it's something you can blame on God. No, you know where the sanctity of life came from? We made it up. You know why? 'Cause we're alive. Self-interest.

• Living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea that somehow life is sacred. You don't see Abbott and Costello running around, talking about this shit, do you? We're not hearing a whole lot from Mussolini on the subject. What's the latest from JFK? Not a goddamn thing. 'Cause JFK, Mussolini and Abbott and Costello are fucking dead. They're fucking dead. And dead people give less than a shit about the sanctity of life. Only living people care about it so the whole thing grows out of a completely biased point of view. It's a self serving, man-made bullshit story.

• It's one of these things we tell ourselves so we'll feel noble. Life is sacred. Makes you feel noble. Well let me ask you this: if everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in? I'm having trouble with that. 'Cause, I mean, even with all this stuff we preach about the sanctity of life, we don't practice it. We don't practice it. Look at what we'd kill: Mosquitoes and flies. 'Cause they're pests. Lions and tigers. 'Cause it's fun! Chickens and pigs. 'Cause we're hungry. Pheasants and quails. 'Cause it's fun. And we're hungry. And people. We kill people... 'Cause they're pests. And it's fun!

• And you might have noticed something else. The sanctity of life doesn't seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says 'Save the tumors.'. Or 'I brake for advanced melanoma.'. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Nothing sacred about those things. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Pretty neat deal, huh? You know how we got it? We made the whole fucking thing up!
  • "Sanctity of Life"

• The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!" These people were given everything, everything was handed to them, and they took it all, sold it all; sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll, and they stayed loaded for twenty years and had a free ride. But now they're staring down the barrel of middle-age burnout, and they don't like it. They don't like it, so they've become self-righteous, and they wanna make things hard for young people. They tell em abstain from sex, say no to drugs. As for rock 'n' roll, they sold that for television commercials a long time ago so they can buy pasta machines and StairMasters and soybean futures. You know something? They're cold, bloodless people. It's in their slogans, it's in their rhetoric: "No pain, no gain," "Just do it," "Life is short, play hard," "Shit happens, deal with it," "Get a life." These people went from "Do your own thing" to "Just say no!" They went from "Love is all you need" to "Whoever winds up with the most toys, wins", and they went from cocaine to Rogaine. And you know something? They're still counting grams, only now it's fat grams. And the worst of it is we have to watch the commercials on TV for Levi's loose-fitting jeans and fat-ass Docker pants because these degenerate, yuppie, Boomer cocksuckers couldn't keep their hands off the croissants and the Häägen-Dasz and their big fat asses have spread all over and they have to wear fat-ass Docker pants. Fuck these Boomers, fuck these yuppies... and fuck everyone, now that I think of it.
  • "Free-Floating Hostility"

You Are All Diseased (1999)

• I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds! And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.
  • "Airport Security"

• And I don't think white women should be calling each other 'girlfriend!', okay? Stop pretending to be black! And no matter what color you are, "You go, girl" should probably go! Right along with "You the man!" "Hey, you the man!" Oh, yeah? Well, you the fuckin' honky.
  • "Minority Language: A-Happens To Be; B-Openly; C-Urban; D-Girlfriend"

• "Happens to be." "He happens to be black." Like it's a fucking accident, you know. He happens to be black? Yes, he happens to be black. Ah, yes, yes, yes. He had two black parents? Oh, yes, that's right, two black parents. And they fucked? Oh, indeed they did. So where does the surprise part come in? I would think it would be more unusual if he just "happened to be" Scandinavian!
  • "Minority Language"

• Whoever coined the phrase "let the buyer beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.
  • "Businessmen"

• And speaking of tough guys, I'm getting a little tired of hearing that after six policemen get arrested for shoving a floor lamp up some black guy's ass and ripping his intestines out, the police department announces they're going to have "sensitivity training". I say, "Hey, if you need special training to be told not to jam a large, cumbersome object up someone else's asshole, maybe you're too fucked up to be on the police force in the first place."

The Little David Years (1971–1977) (1999)

• [in response to someone in the audience yelling something] Would somebody just put a dick in that guy's mouth, please? 'Cause that's what he wants. He's a cocksucker in disguise. He's got his mouth open 'cause he wants someone to cum in it. Now, do you wanna keep making noise, motherfucker, and we can find you that way, or are you just a punk coward asshole bullshit loud motherfucker and you're gonna shut up now so we don't find out where the fuck you're sitting? 'Cause if you keep it up, we'll grab your ass and throw you on the fucking street, where you belong, with your mother! And I'm fucking her in the asshole every night anyway, so fuck you and your sister and your wife! If you got a kid, I hope your fucking kid dies in a car fire! How do you like that, you stupid cocksucker? Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here! … You know? See … You gotta use psychology. You gotta be a bit of a psychologist up here and know how to appeal to a person.
  • "How to Handle a Heckler"

Complaints and Grievances (2001)

• I realized some time ago that I'm not separate from nature just because I have a primate brain - an upper brain - because underneath the primate brain, there's a mammalian brain, and beneath the mammalian brain, there's a reptilian brain; and it's those two lower brains that made the upper brain possible in the first place. Here's the way it works: The primate brain says, "Give peace a chance." The mammalian brain says, "Give peace a chance, but first let's kill this motherfucker." And the reptilian brain says, "Let's just kill the motherfucker, go to the peace rally and get laid."

• There are a lot of little things about our bodies that we all know, but we never talk about. That's what interests me. These are practically universal experiences; nobody mentions them! Some of them are disgusting. Some of them are appallingly revolting and degrading even to the most degenerate mind. So let's get started with a couple of them.

• Not me, bullshit, fuck you, up yours, get laid, eat shit, drop dead, jack me off, suck this, I don't need parts that badly, I'm not that sick!

• Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see:
  • We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
  • We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters.
  • We have a daughter in public school who hasn't been knocked up yet.
  • We have a son in public school who hasn't shot any of his classmates yet. But he does sell drugs to your honor student. Plus he knocked up your daughter.
  • We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus.

• If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. "Pardon me, officer, would you mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the car, please? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugar Lips! That's his ribcage sticking out the glove compartment. That will be all, officer. You can throw him back on the pile."
  • "Traffic Accidents: Keep Movin'!"

• Here's my problem with the ten commandments- why are there ten? Why are there ten? You don't need ten. I believe the list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here's what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people, how to keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around... God had given them the Ten Commandments.

Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why- because ten sounds official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number, the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed. So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision.

And it's clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document, artificially inflated to sell better. I'll show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. Now I am going to use the Roman Catholic version, because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy. Let's start with the first three: I am the lord thy God, thou shalt not have strange Gods before me, thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain, thou shalt keep holy the sabbath.

Right off the bat, the first three, pure bullshit! Sabbath day, lord's name, strange gods. Spooky language. Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. Now we're down to seven. Next: Honor thy father and mother.

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn't be automatic. They should be earned, and based on the parent's performance, parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect, most of them don't, period. You're down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're going to jump around the list a little bit. Thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not bear false witness.

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don't really need two. You combine them and call the commandment "thou shalt not be dishonest". And suddenly you're down to five. And as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together: Thou shalt not commit adultery, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.

Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity, the difference is- coveting takes place in the mind, but I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife, because what is a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But, marital fidelity is a good idea so we're gonna keep this one and call it "thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly we're down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing "thou shalt always be honest and faithful" and we're down to three.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods. This one is just plain fuckin' stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful", and you wanna get one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you're down to two now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment, and the one we haven't talked about yet: Thou shalt not kill.

Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable, negotiable. It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin' killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:

Thou shalt always be honest, and faithful to the provider of thy nookie, and, thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket, and I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment: Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

• • The Ten Commanments

Life Is Worth Losing (2005)

• I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. I've been uplinked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I'm a high-tech lowlife. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bicoastal multitasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I'm new wave, but I'm old school, and my inner child is outward bound. I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice-activated and biodegradable. I interface with my database, and my database is in cyberspace, so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, and from time to time I'm radioactive. Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging a bullet, pushing the envelope. I'm on point, on task, on message, and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed, I got no urge to binge and purge. I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb, a top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps. I'm a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic; a working rageaholic. Out of rehab, and in denial. I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda. You can't shut me up, you can't dumb me down. 'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless, I'm an alpha male on beta blockers. I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion forward. Up front, down home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-size, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready, and built to last. I'm a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk, headcase. Prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail. But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing, a supportive bonding nurturing primary caregiver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports. I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly, and lactose-intolerant. I like rough sex, I like tough love, I use the F-word in my E-Mail, and the software on my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini mall;I bought a mini van in a mega store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I'm toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal, lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide, I got glide in my stride. Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin', jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin.' I don't snooze, so I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty, and lunch time is crunch time. I'm hanging in, there ain't no doubt. And I'm hanging tough, over and out.
  • "Modern Man"

• You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.
  • "Extreme Human Behavior"

• Cannibalism. Imagine that: chowing down on another human being. You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man. You gotta be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn't it? Still happens to this day. A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness run out of pop tarts, gotta eat something... Might as well be Steve! And by the way, how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack? Do you pick on the little guy because he's skinny and he can't fight back, or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder because he's got a lot of steaks and chops on him?
  • "Extreme Human Behavior"

• You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.
  • "Extreme Human Behavior"

• There's a reason for this, there's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better. Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got... because the owners of this country don’t want that. I'm talking about the real owners now... the real owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls. They got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying. Lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else, but I’ll tell you what they don’t want. They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them. That’s against their interests. That’s right. They don’t want people who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table and think about how badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fuckin’ years ago. They don’t want that. You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now they’re coming for your Social Security money. They want your fuckin' retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. And you know something? They’ll get it. They’ll get it all from you sooner or later 'cause they own this fuckin' place. It’s a big club and you ain't in it. You and I are not in the big club. By the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table is tilted, folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good, honest, hard-working people: white collar, blue collar, it doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good, honest, hard-working people continue — these are people of modest means — continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about them. They don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t care about you at all! At all! At all! And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. That’s what the owners count on. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that’s being jammed up their assholes every day, because the owners of this country know the truth. It’s called the American Dream, 'cause you have to be asleep to believe it.
  • "Dumb Americans"

• Americans love to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food. Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon cheeseburgers, deep-fried, butter-dipped in pork fat and Cheese-Whiz, mayonnaise, soaked barbecue, mozzarella patty melts. Americans will eat anything. Anything. Anything. Shit, if you were selling sautéed raccoons' assholes on a stick, Americans would buy them and eat them! Especially if you were to dip them in butter and put a little salsa on them! This country is big-time pig time. Forget the Star-Spangled Banner. You know what the national anthem of this country outta be? The Oscar-Meyer Commercial Jingle! And while we're at it, change the bald eagle to a big bowl of macaroni and cheese. A big bowl. 'Cause everything in this country is king size, extra large and super jumbo. Especially the fucking people! Have you seen some of the people in this country? Have you taken a good look at some of these big, fat motherfuckers walking around? Big fat motherfuckers! Oh, my God. Huge piles of redundant protoplasm, lumbering through the malls like a fleet of interstate buses. The people in this country are immense. Massive bellies, monstrous thighs, and big fat fucking asses! Next time you're in the vicinity of one of these creatures, stand there for a minute and observe. And if you stand there for a minute you'll begin to wonder, "How does this woman take a shit?" How does she shit? And more frightening still, how does she wipe her ass? Can she even locate her asshole? She must require assistance. Are paramedics trained in this field?

• "Dumb Americans"

• I think it's certainly apparent by now that one of the things I enjoy in life is excess... I like things that are excessive. I like excessive behavior, excessive language, excessive violence... it's fun. It's interesting. It's exciting. I like it when nature is excessive. That's why I like natural disasters. All these natural disasters that've been going on, I fucking love 'em. I can't get enough of them. Ah, when nature's going crazy, throwing things around, scaring people and destroying property, I'm a happy fucking guy. I'm a happy fucking guy. I look at it this way... For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers... so when nature strikes back, and smacks me in the head and kicks me in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it's natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse. Don't you? Don't you? Don't you have a part of you, a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse? When you see a big fire on TV... don't you hope it spreads? Don't you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties? You don't root for the firemen do you? I mean I don't want them to get hurt or nothing, but I don't want them to put out my fire. That's my fire - that's nature showing off and having fun. I like fires. You know something else I like? Those spring floods in the Midwest! Aren't they great? Like clockwork, spring floods in the Midwest. Now I'm starting to notice... I'm starting to catch on, that every year... it's the same story. Another flood, in the same place, with the same people, on the same river- SAME FUCKING PEOPLE! And these people do not move, they will not fucking move! They repaint, put down new carpeting and wallpaper and they move right back into the same fucking house on the flood plain, next to the river, and then they wonder why grandma's floating downstream with the parakeet on her head! Fourth time, again, fourth fucking time. There's no learning curve with these people. It's very hard to feel sorry for them. Every year - same people, same rowboats! Out there paddling around... rescuing a chicken. What the fuck kind of a life is that? "Well our kids love it here...? Oh really, what do they got, gills? And while they're showing all that action on the screen, the announcer's saying to me "It's been raining steadily for three months now, the ground can't any more water... The river is cresting higher than it has it two centuries, the levees have washed away...? And I just hope it keeps raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining, and it rains steadily for five years... and then after that, for ten years it's cloudy. With occasional showers. And the river never returns to its natural banks! It becomes a completely new river, and the borders of three states have to be changed, and all the maps and atlases have to be redrawn and reprinted... and no one's couch ever completely dries out. For years and years, every time they sit down there's always that little "Squish...? "Dan, Linda, come on in you guys, have a seat" - "Squish!" "Squish!" I like that. I'm an interesting guy.

It's Bad for Ya (2008)

• One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired.
  • "Getting old"

• This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, "Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died." "Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday." "Yeah? … Didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself?"
  • "Death"

• I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
  • "George Bush"

• "God bless America!" Once again, respectfully, I say to myself: "What the fuck does that mean?" God bless America? Is that a request? Is that a demand? Is that a suggestion? Politicians say it at the end of every speech as if it were some sort of verbal tick that they can't get rid of. "God bless you and God bless America! God bless you and God bless America!" I guess they figure that if they leave it out someone's gonna think they're bad Americans! Let me tell you a little secret about God, folks: God does not give a flyin' fuck about America. OK? He doesn't care! He never cared about this country! He never has, he never will. He doesn't care about this country anymore than he cares about Mongolia Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, the Suez Canal or the North Pole! He simply doesn't care, OK? He doesn't care! Listen! There are 200 countries in the world now! Do these people honestly think that God is sitting around picking out his favorites? Why would he do that? Why would God have a favorite country? And why would it be America out of all the countries? Because you have the most money? Because he likes our National Anthem? Maybe it's because he heard we have 18 delicious flavors of Classic Rice-A-Roni? It's delusional thinking! And America is not alone with this sort of delusions. Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their fucking time! Could it be... everyone? Now... now... If people wanna say "God Bless America", that's their business, I don't care, but here's what I don't understand: If they say "God Bless America", presumably, they believe in God and if they do, they must have heard, God loved everyone! That's what he said, he loved everyone and loved them equally! So why would these people ask God to do something that went against his own teachings? You know what these "God Bless America" people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they're so crazy about. They're always talking about "What would Jesus do?" They don't wanna know so they can do it - they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it! Well, I'll tell you what Jesus would have done. I'll tell you what Jesus would have done! He would have gone up on the top of the Empire State Building and said: "God bless everyone around the world forever and ever 'till the end of time!" That's what Jesus would have done, and that's what these people should do, or else they should admit that "God Bless America" is really just some sort of an empty slogan, with no real meaning except for something vague like "good luck!" Good luck, America! You're on your own!... which is a little bit closer to the truth!
  • "God Bless America"

• Here's another one of these civic customs: swearing on the Bible. Do you understand that shit? They tell you to raise your right hand, place your left hand on the Bible. Does this stuff really matter? Which hand? Does God really give a fuck about details like this? Suppose you put right hand on the Bible, you raise your left hand. Would that count? Or would God say: "Sorry, wrong hand! Try again!" Why does one hand have to be raised? What is the magic in this gesture? This seems like some sort of a primitive voodoo mojo stick. Why not put your left hand on the Bible, let your right hand hang down by your side? That's more natural. Or put it in your pocket. That's what your mother used to say. "Don't put your hands in your pockets!" Does she know something we don't know? Is this hand shit really important? Let's get back to the Bible: America's favorite national theatrical prop. Suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside-down. Or backwards. Or both! And you swear to tell the truth on an upside-down backwards Bible. Would that count? Suppose the Bible they hand you is an old Bible and half the pages are missing. Suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible, in an American court! Or Braille Bible, and you're not blind! Suppose they hand you an upside-down, backwards Chinese Braille Bible with half the pages missing! At what point does all of this stuff just break down and become just a lot of stupid shit that somebody made up? They fucking made it up, folks! It's make-believe!
  • "Swearing On The Bible"

• Now if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. Next time you're at the computer, get on the Internet, go to Wikipedia. When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia, I want you to type in "Japanese Americans 1942" and you'll find out all about your precious fucking rights, Okay? All right. You know about it. In 1942, there were 110,000 Japanese American citizens in good standing, law-abiding people who were thrown into internment camps simply because their parents were born in the wrong country. That's all they did wrong. They had no right to a lawyer, no right to a fair trial, no right to a jury of their peers no right to due process of any kind. The only right they had: "Right this way" into the internment camps! Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government took them away! And rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. They're privileges. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. You see all, sooner or later. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. It simply does not give a fuck about you! It's interested in its own power. That's the only thing. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible.
  • "You Have No Rights"

• Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don’t like I think you have the right to kill me. So where are you gonna find a fairer fucking deal than that? So the next time some asshole says to you “I have the right to my opinion.” You say, “oh yeah? Well I have the right to my opinion and my opinion is you have no right to your opinion!” then shoot the fuck and walk away…
  • "You Have No Rights"

Books

Brain Droppings (1997)

• Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr.

• Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic.

• "One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

• Try explaining Hitler to a kid.

• I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

• I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work

• For a long time, my stand-up material has drawn from three sources. The first is the English language: words, phrases, sayings, and the way we speak. The second source, as with most comedians, has been what I think of as the "little world," those things we all experience every day: driving, food, pets, relationships, and idle thoughts. The third area is what I call the"big world": war, politics, race, death, and social issues. Without having actually measured, I would say this book reflects the balance very closely. The first two areas will speak for themselves, but concerning the "big world," let me say a few things. I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in. Listening to the comedians who comment on political, social, and cultural issues, I notice most of their material reflects an underlying belief that somehow things were better once and that with just a little effort we could set them right again. They're looking for solutions, and rooting for particular results, and I think that necessarily limits the tone and substance of what they say. They're talented and funny people, but they're nothing more than cheerleaders attached to a specific, wished-for outcome. I don't feel so confined. I frankly don't give a fuck how it all turns out in this country - or anywhere else, for that matter. I think the human game was up a long time ago (when the high priests and traders took over), and now we're just playing out the string. And that is, of course, precisely what I find so amusing: the slow circling of the drain by a once promising species, and the sappy, ever-more-desperate belief in this country that there is actually some sort of "American Dream," which has merely been misplaced. The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detached from it. I have always viewed it from a safe distance, knowing I don't belong; it doesn't include me, and it never has. No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood, improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. So, if you read something in this book that sounds like advocacy of a particular political point of view, please reject the notion. My interest in "issues" is merely to point out how badly we're doing, not to suggest a way we might do better. Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be." And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope! P.S. Lest you wonder, personally, I am a joyful individual with a long, happy marriage and a close and loving family. My career has turned out better than I ever dreamed, and continues to expand. I am a personal optimist but skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for it's destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right. P.P.S. By the way, if, by chance, you folks do manage to straighten things out and make everything better, I still don't wish to be included.

• Introduction

Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

• I think I am, therefore I am. I think.

• An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

• I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm! Maybe I'm not supposed to understand it...

• The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

• I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

• There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

• If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.

• All music is the blues. All of it.

• When Ronald Reagan got Alzheimer's Disease, how could they tell?

• In the midst of all my bitching, you might have noticed that I never complain about politicians. I leave that to others. And there's no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Everyone says they suck.

But where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. And they're elected by American voters. This is what our system produces, folks. This is the best we can do. Let's face it, we have very little to work with. Garbage in, garbage out.

Ignorant citizens elect ignorant leaders, it's as simple as that. And term limits don't help. All you do is get a new bunch of ignorant leaders.

So maybe it's not the politicians who suck; maybe it's something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: "The public sucks. Elect me." Put the blame where it belongs: on the people.

Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don't have people like that. Everyone's at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians.

For myself, I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way. On Election Day, I stay home. Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn't mean a thing.

Second, I don't vote, because I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. I know some people like to twist that around and say, "If you don't vote, you have no right to complain." But where's the logic in that? Think it through: If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and you screw things up, then you're responsible for what they've done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain.

I, on the other hand, who did not vote—who, in fact, did not even leave the house on Election Day—am in no way responsible for what these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created. Which I had nothing to do with. Why can't people see that?

Now, I realize last year you folks had another one of those really swell presidential elections you treasure so much. That was nice. I'm sure you had a good time, and I'm sure that everyone's life has now improved. But I'm happy to say that on Election Day I stayed home. And I did essentially what you did. The only difference is when I got finished masturbating I had something to show for it.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

Internet

Georgecarlin.com (official website)

• I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
  • "Ready or Not, Here Comes Another Book". Georgecarlin.com (official website). Retrieved on 2007-01-19.

• Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me.

  Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it.

  And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.

  • "Don't Blame Me". Georgecarlin.com (official website). Retrieved on 2007-01-19.

Interviews

Print Interviews

• [On his work appearing on the Internet] It's a conflicted feeling. I'm really a populist, down in the very center of me. I like the power people can accrue for themselves, and I like the idea of user-generated content and taking power from the corporations. The other half of the conflict, though, is that, traditionally speaking, artists are protected from copyright infringement. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about solving this issue. It's someone else's job.
  • Las Vegas CityLife, August 9, 2007 [1]

• For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. I believe the government should step in where the free market fails.
  • Las Vegas CityLife, August 9, 2007 [2]

Television Appearances

• When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts … Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
  • Real Time with Bill Maher, September 9, 2005

• [T]he difference between left and right of center … originated in the French parliament. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. Broadly speaking. And generally speaking, people on … the right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. The rights and the rights of property. And generally speaking again – it's all generalized – the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. That's generally been true. And Bush is pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before.
  • Real Time with Bill Maher, September 9, 2005

External links

• Official site
• George Carlin at the Internet Movie Database

Related 'George Carlin' Searches:

See Also:

• George B. Cortelyou
• George H. W. Bush
• George Packer